either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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