Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
