I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
