I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Mom said you looked used
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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