grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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