I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
