Sponge bath it is.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
