its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
