woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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