the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
