i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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