i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
