is your mom at the bar?
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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