bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
