I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
