I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
