Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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