he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
