If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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