No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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