Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She even gives head with a lisp.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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