I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
