Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Welp...herpes.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
