I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
