im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
