4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
