she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
