Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
