I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
even my farts smell like vagina
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
