So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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