i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
