i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
