i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
