The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
