He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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