I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
