if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
