Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize