I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The Olympian is in my bed
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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