woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
