okay pat passed out under dana's car
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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