Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
