ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You can't just leave with hair like that
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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