I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
