Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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