Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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