Duck Duck Cougar?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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