Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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