he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
