I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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