I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
