im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
