dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
