my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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