walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
