You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
