i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
