So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
