Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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