I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
